Routine

My life has become one large routine. Sure the days might (rarely) change here and there, but in essence things stay the same.

Get up at 7 go to work until 2-4 (possibly 5 on an off day) and then come home agonizing over that one thing that I could have done slightly better. So then after guilting myself into feeling like a total screw up because I messed up in the beginning and now I care about it too much, I spend the evening wallowing in self-deprecating pity whereby I prescribe myself to a cure of Pinterest and tv, thereby wasting a good night of what otherwise could have been accomplishment.

And I hate myself for it.

So why the heck do I do this every day?

Why do I loath myself enough to let this daily torture prevail?

Because I'm afraid.

More than anything I want to quit the retail world and move onto what I feel I'm called to. More than anything I want to spend my days at home with the people I love, writing about the worlds I create.

And yet I come home "too tired" to change my situation.

Why can't I perk up and say, "no, you silly child, don't turn that tv on. become who you are created to be, not some lazy bones who can't manage to get herself past her fatigue."

I put off so many things because I just don't feel like it. And that is getting me no where.

I've become so comfortable in my uncomfortable life that I've started to think about (it pains me to say it) residing here. Living in this place I dislike so much. Buying a home with a 30 year mortgage in this prison that has shut me in.

And I cannot do that.

I have been made for so much more than this. I know I have because I have been told that I have.

And I cannot stay here waiting for things to change. Instead I must make the change in myself. I'm done being silly. I'm done putting off.

I have plans, goals and dreams that I must achieve and conquer. So I have to become uncomfortable so that I may become comfortable again in the right place.

I'm so ready for that.

So plans are changing, schedules are being made and things are getting turned OFF! I am going to limit myself. I am going to kick bad habits and create some new ones that turn this life upside-down. I like the sound of that.

I'm ready for change.